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We’ve constantly got that fire being lit, and the most important thing is to make sure it doesn’t go out. But my partner is disabled as well, and there is never any pressure. I’m at a stage in my life now where, because of my disability, I’m not always able to do things as much as I would like to. I think some men are intimidated by sex toys because they make them feel like they’re not good enough, but it’s just another set of tools with which we can give our partners pleasure. If you haven’t got many hang‑ups, when you’re in that room and you close the door, it’s a space to do what you’re interested in. Some men get intimidated by a woman who is sexually empowered or open because it’s not what they were taught was meant to happen. A lot of men have a narrative in their head about how sex should play out, which ends up prohibiting genuine experimentation. So much of sex education is not based on female pleasure at all.
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But I also realised that the best thing I could do was to learn how to make women genuinely enjoy themselves. It’s a way of holding your head up and faking it, because women don’t actually care how you look. I discovered that confidence is a trick when I was at university. Disabled people have a blessing in a way, because they learn that there are lots of other things that you can do that are way more pleasurable. I had an illness when I was a child, which meant I lost one of my legs. It’s nearly always penetrative, and that might be how you make babies, but it’s not the best way to make your partner climax. The sex we see in the media is one-dimensional. I’ve slept with guys who’ve had more experience and guys who’ve had less, and you can tell the difference, so I always wonder: can they tell that about me? ‘There are lots of things that are way more pleasurable than penetration’ When you don’t know someone, you always think, “Oh God, is this OK?” “Am I doing this right?” Especially if they’re more experienced than you. I’ve not been in that situation yet, but I think sex is probably best when you’re in a relationship, because you’re more comfortable around each other.
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You see 90s TV programmes where people go up to someone in a bar and say, “Hi, can I get your number?” And I think, that would never, ever happen these days. I miss people actually talking to each other, instead of being online. I could go on Grindr, chat someone up and invite them round, but I don’t like the idea of inviting a stranger into my house. If I wanted to have sex tonight, I could probably find someone, but I wouldn’t feel the connection. Is that OK? That 40-year-old men can approach 16-year-olds? I was like: what are you doing? You’re 40. I remember going on Grindr when I was 16, and I was terrified because older men started sending me photos. People sleep around, and it’s not my scene, so finding a long-term partner can be difficult. Growing up and finding out I was gay changed everything.Īt my age, a lot of gay men are quite sleazy. When I was really young, I imagined myself being with a woman, because that was the norm. ‘I went on Grindr when I was 16, and I was terrified’ A man of my age would expect me to cook his food. He’d have to be pretty damned gorgeous, but I don’t think I could now. When I told my grandson, he burst out laughing. Then I realised it was a euphemism for sexually active. I’m divorced now and, a couple of years back, a male acquaintance asked, “Are you still active?” And I thought, what’s he on about? My arms and legs still work. I married at 24 and had two children, but I used to wish I could have sex just for the sake of it. The greatest liberation was the contraceptive pill. That destroyed a lot of the pleasure for women. Even when you were married, you were holding back, in case you got pregnant again. You didn’t go further unless you were stupid, because it would ruin your life. You couldn’t enjoy sex to that extent, because you’d be afraid of losing control. There was a bath in the kitchen and, if you didn’t want to miss the party, people could hand you a drink through the curtain.īut I’d never go all the way. This was unheard of at the time, but by gosh we had fun.
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My friend and I shared a flat with three chaps.
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For her, sex would have been something a woman endured rather than enjoyed.Ĭoming to London in 1955 was a revelation. My grandmother was a Victorian and wouldn’t mention the lavatory.